fanfictions be like ”his eyes scanned the crowed and then locked with mine”
Ok so on the one hand you have the minutes but on the other hand u have hours
What about the seconds
Oh no I couldn’t eat another bite I am just stuffed
did you get the ketchup
he looks so pleased in the end “DID YOU SEE THAT?”
A congressional aide informs President Franklin D. Roosevelt of the loss of World War II
In 1945, the second world war was going poorly for America. Russia had almost overtaken the United States at the Canadian border and things looked grim.
After the powerful Russian “Tet Offensive” on January 30th 1945, the situation had deteriorated to the point the war was thought to be unwinnable. Congress was prepared to concede the fight and declare Russia the winner, then pursue a full surrender of the U.S.A.
But President Roosevelt would not give up. He would win the war at any cost, and it was in this moment that he ordered the use of the nuclear bomb on the Russian capital of Hiroshima. The rest, as they say, is history. Russia surrendered unconditionally the day after the bomb was dropped, and Russian Emperor Nicolas II was executed for his role in war crimes against Americans at Waterloo. The same aide who had days earlier told the president that America was about to lose was charged with informing him that the war had indeed been won. It was then that the president uttered his now famous quote:
"I love the smell of napalm in the morning. It smells like… Victory."
Guys. Hiroshima is not in Russia. It’s in japan
Today it is, but this post is about World War 2 (1907-1952) during which borders changed rapidly. World War 2 was fought mostly in the form of “Trench Warfare” where every square foot of land was paid for by the blood of thousands. Maps had to be redrawn hourly, and as a result the cartography industrial complex grew massive and held a controlling interest in government affairs. Later it would be responsible for the assassination of JFK, the first president to go by his three initials since FDR, and the penultimate before LBJ.
As for Hiroshima, yes it is currently located in the country of Japan. But through most of the war, Japan was merely a state in Russia, which was at the time fully named “The State of Russia and Japan and Providence Plantations” and Hiroshima was its capital city. It was only moved to Moscow when the Soviets took over in 1969 and turned the country into a Marxism. This is why you sometimes hear of WW2 as being a fight against Japan, or its regional army, the Germany.
So there I was, ready to take a shower. I mean, I was dirty, a little greasy, a shower was not such a horrible idea. People take showers, amiright? Of course!
I get naked.
I’m talking the exact opposite reason why you ever went to your grandmother’s house.
No cookies. Blatant nudity.
That’s how folks take showers these days, right? Well, I pull back the curtain…
And there it was.
This…thing…sitting on the little soap/shower/pube shelf. Not a care in the world, like it’s been there for years. “What the fuck is that?” I think to myself.
Now, what follows is the exact pattern of thought that took me from rational human being to Sloth in 3.4 seconds.
“Is that a Red Lobster cheesy biscuit? Holy fuck that’s a Red Lobster cheesy biscuit. OMG why would someone leave that unattended. Those things are so delicious. I’m gonna eat the fuck out of it. Man, I can’t wait to see whoever left it’s face when they come back to find that someone ate their cheesy biscuit’s fuck. Ohhh boy.”
Then my brain sent a message to my arm that said, “Reach for that cheesy biscuit, bitch. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR!?”
As you must already know, we are all contractually bound to make a dickload of mistakes throughout our lifetime. Some of those mistakes are so big that they forever hinder our world and warrant entire chapters in our children’s history books. However, most mistakes have the dubious providence of merely haunting one’s soul and festering amidst the subconscious for always and eternity.
This was, nearly, one of those.
If my adjacency to failure could be measured, the only possible unit of measurement to appropriate it would be “baby condoms”. And no, I do not mean those horrendous papoose-like titty-cribs that the slovenly carriage their spawn around in in Wal-Mart, I mean condoms that a baby would wear.
My adjacency to failure was roughly 1 and a half Kiddie Trojans.
I’m not sure what stopped me, be it cosmic or supernatural, but it gave my brain just enough time to ask itself some rather important questions regarding this little tub treasure. Questions like:
“WHO, THE FUCK, WOULD LEAVE A CHEESY BISCUIT IN MY SHOWER?!”
And inquiries such as:
“AND WHY WERE YOU GOING TO EAT IT, MORON?!”
Seriously, was I so hungry that I would wantonly disobey all the integral conditioning and survival imprinting my parents bestowed upon me like the ever important, “Um, don’t eat that biscuit, you don’t know where it’s been or whose it is and also you found it in the shower.” in order to satisfy something so benign as a munchie?
That, I’m sorry to say, was pretty much my reality.
An early morning introspective psychological evaluation of a sad, hungry, naked man who almost ate a bar of soap.
OMG ITS BACK
This shit needs to be published.
This is going in the monologue section and I’m not even sorry.